Grief

Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing well today. I can't believe I'm actually writing this, but it has been 4 years to the day since Doug passed away. If you haven't read my previous blogs, Doug was a really amazing man who tragically passed away after we had started dating. It was devastating and had a profound impact on how I live my life. I learned a lot from him and he will always hold a special place in my heart and will always be missed.

For Doug's birthday back in March I decided to head over to Picacho Peak State Park. Tucson was experiencing a Superbloom and Picacho Peak was the place to go. I needed to find some peace and being outside always helps me geting into a better headspace. This experience has hands down been my favorite and most special experience since arriving in Arizona. It was so stunningly beautiful and I felt some peace on what is normally a difficult day for me. I thought today would be the perfect day for me to share that experience with you. Sit back and grab a snack, there's a lot of photos in this one.

I saw on Facebook that at peak times it would take over an hour to get into the park. I wanted to try to avoid that so I decided to go at sunrise. Not only did I get right in, I was treated to a stunning sunrise. You can not beat Arizona sunrises and sunsets.

It was really quiet when I got there. I saw a few other people but it was mostly silent. It was a perfect way to reflect on the day. 

I did not do much hiking that day because I was not feeling well physically and the trail was quite rocky and I was sliding all over. I did do part of a trail and I am definitely looking forward to getting back there to finish it because it was a fun trail with great views.

I was physically drained and I was emotionally drained. I had just gotten back from a visit to NY and I struggled quite a bit there. It was nice to see my family and the few other people I saw but it reinforced how much I don't belong there. I was really glad to come back to my new home. 

The Superbloom was absolutely stunning and like nothing I've ever seen before. Despite the grief, my heart was so full that day.

Doug wasn't necessarily a hiker. I chose to do this because I know that he would want me to find peace on these difficult days. He would never want me to sit frozen in grief. He taught me that life should be lived and that we should do the things that make us happy. I know that he was watching me enjoy this beautiful day in his honor and so happy that I've taken the steps to live a fuller, happier life.

Grief is a really interesting thing. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes it is manageable and you feel almost normal again. Then the waves crash and you feel like you are suffocating again. This whole week I've been desperately trying to avoid the feelings. The trauma, the sadness and the anxiety won't let me hide. No matter how hard I tried to get through this week without having to deal with it, my body had other plans. I could not sleep or eat. I'd sit at my desk at work fighting back tears. My anxiety is off the charts. So rather than run I have to dig in and just grieve and be angry and sad and anxious.

I will do something to honor him this weekend. I have not decided what that is yet at the time that I'm writing this but I imagine it will be some combination of the things that made him happy and what makes me happy. I will honor my feelings and I will grieve. I will cry and I will talk to him. 

Check out the moon in this photo 💚🌙

If you've made it this far, thank you for sticking with me. I know this post was long and rambling. It's important to acknowledge our feelings and as much as I'd like to run and hide the first week of June every year, I can't. If there is one thing I learned from Doug it's that life should be lived with passion. I hope that I've made him proud because I've come a really long way in the last four years.

I hope that you enjoyed seeing the amazing Superbloom that we experienced here in Arizona. It was truly an incredible experience and I'm grateful that I was able to see it. Thank you again for listening, I really appreciate you💜