The Road To Arizona (Part 1)

*Trigger Warning - Mental health discussion, mention of self harm ideation*

Hey everyone! I hope that you are having a wonderful week. Thank you for joining me back here. For those of you joining me for the first time, my name is Sarah. I'm originally from New York but now live in Arizona. I'm vegan, I LOVE hiking and being outside, I like doing anything creative (particularly making art) and I have had many blogs over many years. One thing that remained constant over each version of my blog was that I was struggling. I was struggling with my physical health, I was struggling with my mental health, I was struggling with having terrible jobs and I was struggling with feeling like I no longer belonged in New York. I was miserable and stuck in a toxic cycle. It took a lot of risk, a lot of change, a lot of discomfort and a lot of faith in myself that I wasn't making a HUGE mistake but I finally got to a happy place.

Let's go back a year and a half. In September 2021 I moved home from Santa Fe, NM. I was devastated. I loved the desert but it didn't work out. I panicked and went home. Back to my comfort zone with my family and friends. Back to the office for the job that I hated and was completely miserable in. Back to the same old after I had finally broken free. My mental health plummeted to an all time low. My anxiety and stress were off the charts. My depression reached depths I've never experienced before. I was stuck.

I took my first risk in May of 2022. My job had gotten to a point where I was just furious all the time and stressed and depressed. I felt like I had no worth because I was treated like I had no worth. I was constantly overlooked, underappreciated, overworked and undervalued. I was still working at the medical office at the time and I was beyond done. I decided that I had enough and I had to make a change. So I quit. I had no backup plan. I had no job lined up. All I knew was for the sake of my sanity I had to go. So I gave my notice and I left. And I haven't looked back. There is no part of me that regrets that decision. Even with the stress of needing a new job I knew it was the right decision. The weight was lifted when I walked out the door for the last time. That chapter was over.

When I left the medical office I took about a week or two off before I started looking for another job. I had worked really hard to build my savings so I knew I would be ok. I made art and started selling it in a store that sold work from local artists. I hit Indeed and I started blasting out applications. My goal was to move back to the desert, specifically, Arizona. I applied in Arizona and got zero bites. I knew it would be difficult but it felt impossible.

After a week or two of sending out applications out of state I decided to apply again in New York. Maybe the universe was telling me it wasn't time to leave yet. I immediately got two interviews, including one for a mental health office. This was exactly what I had been hoping for. I'm so passionate about mental health awareness and working for a mental health practice felt like the perfect next step in my career. 

I was offered the job and I started in the first week in July. The energy in the office felt off immediately but I tried to look past it. Unfortunately my first instinct was correct. The mean girl energy I felt upon arrival was so incredibly accurate and I was definitely the odd girl out. Beyond that, it was a situation where I did all the work while I watched everyone else in my department play. I HATED IT. I was miserable and my own mental health continued to decline. My depression was out of control and I would wake up and be disappointed that I had to face another day. Life didn't feel worth it. I had self harm ideation. I knew that I would never actually do anything to hurt myself but the desire was there. 

I was still working with my therapist and we decided together that it was time to try medication to take the edge off of the depression. I had not been open to medication in the past but we had tried everything. It felt like my only option. I scheduled an appointment with the psychiatrist and was a teeny bit hopeful that this was finally going to be what I needed to start feeling better.

My appointment with the psychiatrist finally came and it definitely did not go as planned. I was told the first appointment would take about 90 minutes. We spent 45 minutes discussing my history and my current symptoms. Then she dropped the bomb on me. She did not feel we were a good fit and she was referring me out. She denied care. She didn't want to touch my self harm ideation with a 10 foot pole. I was shocked, horrified and devastated. It felt like my last chance of feeling any sort of normalcy in my life was ripped away from me. I felt completely hopeless. 

Work was not getting any better. The negative energy was stifling. I applied for one position but the job I actually got was completely different. I was not properly trained and I was taking on the majority of the phone calls. I was overwhelmed and I was furious. I had discussed with the manager the possibility of doing a different role which was more closely aligned to my strengths and I knew I would be happier doing. She agreed it would be a good fit and discussed it with the CEO. It felt hopeful. I was pulled into a meeting and I thought I was going to be told that I would be able to make the transition. I was wrong. Not only was I told that I would not be taking that position (which was something that we had discussed in the interview, I didn't just pull the idea out of thin air - it was already discussed) but I was told that I wasn't good enough at my current position. I saw red at this point. I was furious. Not only had I been doing the majority of the work for my department, the other girls had been promoted. 

I went home knowing that my days there were numbered. There was no way I was going to put up with that shit, particularly in my current emotional state (remember this was a mental health office as well). When I got home I had a conversation with my mom and let her know what had happened, that I was done and I was going to be moving. She was supportive and she understood. She knew I had been struggling. That night I booked a flight to Arizona in two weeks. I started applying for jobs and setting up interviews. I scheduled apartment tours. My goal was to come home and resign the day I came back to work.

And I think that is where I'm going to leave it for today. In my next post I'll talk about my trip to Arizona. It was a huge turning point for me and I'm grateful that I had that experience. I will also actually have pictures to show you! I'll include one below as a thank you for getting through this monster of a post!

Thank you so much for being here and reading this first part of my story 💜 I'll see you next time!